Lyrics & Story Behind Song #4: “I Am Made New”

“I touch. I stay. I breathe today.

I choose. I stand. I will. I can

I feel. I have. I love. I am made new.”

The song “I Am Made New” grew out of my work with deep feelings.  As I continued to attend conscious awareness classes at Faith in Wellness through the fall of 2017, I revisited early childhood memories again and again. Each time I touched one, more unconscious feelings showed up.  Often I was excavating stored anger, shame, fear or apathy—those taboo feelings we are taught are “bad” or “negative”.   

I was learning emotions weren’t “good or bad”, “positive or negative”. They were sources of information and energy. For every feeling I had suppressed (i.e. fear, anger, shame) there was an “opposite” gift to be reclaimed (i.e. confidence, authority, integrity). What’s more, if I didn’t dam up my feelings, they had water’s innate tendency to ebb, flow, equalize, and gracefully settle into balance! I could trust them to do that perfectly as soon as I stopped holding them back.

Carl Jung taught, “What you resist persists.” One key to shifting stuck feeling patterns was to stop hating and resisting them. If I faced and owned a feeling instead of avoiding it, I could gather its gold. When I first recognized the feeling of low self-esteem, for example, I hated it. I judged shame as a weakness and I didn’t have a clue how to love it. My coach asked, “Can you love feeling not good enough?”  

“No!” I said. “I hate that feeling.”

My coach switched gears, “OK. Could you love a three-year-old who believed she was unworthy?” 

“Yes.” I said.  

“What would you do for her?” asked my coach.

“I would comfort her and let her know she was OK just the way she was,” I said.

“How would you do that?” my coach asked.

“I would hold her as long as she required. I’d let her know how beautiful and precious she was.” I responded. “I would wrap her in love and stay with her as long as it took for her to absorb that message down to her bones.” 

Every time fear, anger or shame comes up now I have a choice. I can choose to own and shift them, or I can deny and resist. Resistance is not only exhausting, it’s a missed opportunity. To stay with an uncomfortable feeling, “I TOUCH, I STAY, I BREATHE, I FEEL” has become my mantra. Owning my darkest feelings allows me to take my power back from all the things outside myself I gave it to as a child. 

When I began deep feeling work, I imagined a huge table much like King Arthur’s roundtable in the “great hall” of my heart. I saw it surrounded by dozens of padded, red velvet, chairs. I invited fear and low self-esteem to sit down. I added chairs for shame and blame, anger and hate. The more work I did, the more I joked that I would have to add leaves to my table. The good news is, the bigger my table has gotten, the more parts of myself I have retrieved and restored power to. 

Today I have a lifetime of feelings, memories, stories, old self-sabotaging patterns, and belief systems seated around my inner table. Whenever one of these triggers shows up in my life, I can say, “I recognize you, come on in. I know what you turn into. I wasn’t able to see you when my focus was on stuffing you down. Now I choose to harness the energy and information you’re bringing up to the surface to power me forward.”  

The great news about working with deep feelings is, the bigger the charge, the more primed a feeling is to swing back into balance. For example, when I feel only slightly nervous, I know my fear pendulum hasn’t swung very far towards fight or flight. The bow isn’t pulled back much, so not much momentum is built for shifting back from fear to faith. On the other hand, if my fear gets big enough that I feel panic, cower in the corner, or freeze like a deer in the headlights, I know I’ve given all of my power and energy to fear. In those moments, ”believed in” fear seems so real it looms over me. My bow is pulled back as far as it can go. In those moments It takes everything I have—all my will, self-compassion and faith--to face my fear, remember what’s true and stay with the energy of my feeling until it shifts. Once I do that, though, the pendulum swings back powerfully. I get such a huge return in faith, courage and confidence I am made completely new.  

The truth is, without fear, I wouldn’t know what courage is. Without sadness, I wouldn’t recognize joy. The same adrenaline rush that powers my anger also energizes my ownership when I stop blaming and step up to lead. Deep feelings are signals. Each one is an invitation to stop and pay attention. They show us exactly where we are along a continuum in consciousness. Each one is an inner call for something in us to be seen, explored, and rebalanced.

I’ve read my share of wonderful self-help books on deep feeling. Three gems that stand out are: What You Feel You Can Heal by John Gray, Ph. D.; The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren; and David D. Burns classic Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy. Ultimately, deep feeling work is all about ownership, awareness and choice. Using a feeling scale and coaching questions learned in classes at Faith in Wellness I can track my feelings back to when and how I first created them. For a taste of what is possible, next time an emotion overwhelms you, check in. What are you feeling? Breathe. Can you touch a memory of when you felt this way before? Stay. What did you tell yourself about that experience? Breathe. Can you invite what you’re feeling to get bigger? Feel. Is the universe feeling this? Breathe. Why did you create this? Stay. What’s returning for you (the opposite)? Feel. What do you choose now? Breathe. What is true now that you have reclaimed your power from old believed-in feeling patterns? Breathe, touch, stay, feel and be made new.  

LYRICS: I Am Made New  

CHORUS:         I TOUCH.          I STAY.          I BREATHE…today.

I CHOOSE.        I STAND.       I WILL.         I CAN.

I FEEL.                I HAVE.         I LOVE.         I AM…made new.    I am made new.    I am made new.

Verse 1:   Hello Anger, come on in.                       Hello Shame, childhood friend.

     Hello Fear.  How’ve you been?             Sit down at my table.  

     We’ve traveled long and far.                 I know just who you are.   

     I see you clear as day,                           And It’s OK…

CHORUS:         I TOUCH.          I STAY.          I BREATHE…today.

I CHOOSE.        I STAND.       I WILL.         I CAN.

I FEEL.                I HAVE.          I LOVE.        I AM…made new.    I am made new.     I am made new.

Verse 2:  I am mother’s ancient line.                  Dad’s legacy is mine.

    There’s no line where I begin.              We’re connected deep within.

    My heart knows what is real.               There’s power in what I feel--

    And every word I say--                         And it’s OK...’cause

BRIDGE:           I reclaim my birthright; restore my worth.

I support my new life, author my rebirth, 

And remember.  Oh, just remember….

CHORUS:         To TOUCH.         & STAY.                 & BREATHE…today.

CHOOSE             & STAND.              You WILL.       You CAN.

I FEEL.                  I HAVE.                  I LOVE.       I AM…made new. 

 CHORUS:         I TOUCH.           I STAY.          I BREATHE…today.

I CHOOSE.        I STAND.       I WILL.         I CAN.

I FEEL.               I HAVE.          I LOVE.         I AM…made new.    I am made new.   I am made new.   I am made new. 

© 2019 Ann S. Bugh