Lyrics & Story Behind Song #11: “Forgiveness”

“…I’m willing to forgive, willingly forgive. I author my own life, beyond the wrong or right. 

  Beyond the good or bad, restored in love and light,

  I’m willing to forgive again and again…willingly forgive. Amen”

  In my forties I remember reading Colin Tipping’s book Radical Forgiveness. I was struck by the author’s insights into the power of forgiveness for self-healing. His idea that we forgive “others” not because they deserve it or because love demands it, but to heal our OWN wounds and reclaim our OWN power was life changing for me. Early in life I had been taught the exact opposite. Society and religion taught me this world was one of duality. Life was black and white. There was good and evil, wrong and right, punishment and reward. Anyone who made a mistake should face judgement, atone for it, and seek forgiveness from those they had wronged. In turn, “good people” who forgave others, could righteously take the moral high ground. Tipping’s book demanded a huge paradigm shift away from my rigid world view based on forgiveness of an outer world of good and evil.  

Years later, I read the book A Course in Miracles (ACIM) and experienced another huge shift in my forgiveness lens. This book proposed the idea that there was nothing “evil” in the world to forgive. We were all one, divine in nature and inherently innocent. ACIM defined “sin” as error due to ignorance. Humans were all in various stages of waking up from ignorance or unconsciousness. When we didn’t act from alignment with love, that didn’t make us evil or unforgiveable. It just meant we required more compassion until we woke up to who we really were. Anyone who condemned, had slipped away from love and into judgement. Anything I saw as needing forgiveness was my own wake-up call to: 1. forgive myself for judging; 2. have compassion for my ignorance in perceiving forgiveness was even needed; and 3. own my perception as my creation! 

  In the decades before and since reading these two books, I had done a lot of forgiveness work, particularly around my early childhood experiences. If you had asked me if I was pretty confident I’d done all there was to do on the topic of forgiveness, I’d have said, “Yes.” Flash forward to June of 2018. Doing consciousness work at Faith in Wellness Retreat Center, I experienced an eye reading. In that session I explored patterns and belief systems still running in my unconscious and was surprised to find how much old resentment I still carried.  

  Our parents are our first community. Despite mom and dad’s best efforts, I had not felt safe, loved, or valued for who I was by them. Fears about trusting community and unconscious resentments were deeply rooted in my childhood memories. Towards the end of a women’s EVEolution retreat at Faith in Wellness, we did a collage activity focused on forgiving our parents and ourselves. The object of the collage was to explore what we saw as strengths and weaknesses in our parents. We were invited to assume we had chosen our perfect parents. Then we were encouraged to imagine what “gifts” their strengths and weaknesses offered us. The retreat facilitators described this process as “owning” our DNA while bringing mom and dad into divine union within us. 

For example, one of the things I initially saw as a weakness in my mom and dad’s relationship was their imbalance in emotional expression. While my stoic dad suppressed his feelings and rarely showed emotion, my mom could be so expressive at times she seemed volatile. They were products of two different cultures. My dad was raised by disciplined, reserved Germans, while my mom was raised by flamboyant, playful Italians. I had wrestled with these emotional extremes growing up. I’d felt anger at having to suppress emotions, but also pride at how well I could stay in control, remain calm, and even “fake it” when required. At the same time, I’d felt shame for being so emotionally sensitive I could burst into unexpected tears, while also treasuring my ability to feel deep empathy and compassion for others. Now, imagining “divine union” I rewrote my parents’ story. I used some of the decrees below to restore balance in my emotional expression. 

I WILLINGLY FORGIVE THOSE WHO CAME BEFORE ME.

I GRATEFULLY FORGIVE. I JOYFULLY FORGIVE.

I AM MY MOTHER LOVING AND PARTNERING WITH MY FATHER.

I AM MY FATHER CHERISHING AND PARTINERING WITH MY MOTHER.

I AM MY MOTHER, AND HER MOTHER, FEELING FULLY SEEN, HEARD AND VALUED.

I AM MY FATHER, AND HIS FATHER, FEELING FULLY SEEN, HEARD AND VALUED.

I AM MY MOTHER EXPRESSING HER FEELINGS WITH EASE AND GRACE.

I AM MY FATHER EXPRESSING HIS FEELINGS WITH EASE AND GRACE.

I AM MY MOTHER’S LOVE. I AM MY FATHER’S LOVE.

I REMEMBER THE PERFECT LOVE THAT BIRTHED ME, MY MOTHER, MY FATHER, AND THEIR MOTHERS AND FATHERS BEFORE THEM.

I REMEMBER THE SOVEREIGN, SACRED LOVE THAT CONNECTS AND FLOWS THROUGH US ALL.

As I repeated these decrees and others, my Forgiveness song began to take shape. Writing the first verses took several weeks. During that time, I was surprised at how many body signals I experienced. Proponents of mind-body medicine believe our bodies are always talking to us, sending us clues to support self-healing. These signals arise from our subconscious and can show up in the form of accidents, illness or symptoms that are all translatable. Before I had finished the first verse I “accidentally” burned the back of my right hand. In the body language system I’d learned at Faith in Wellness, hands represented how we handled life. Right hand represented our expressive or male side, and a burn represented anger or irritation. I took that message to heart and wrote a few lines forgiving my dad. I imagined my dad as a small boy who had never been shown how to love or express his feelings. I knew he had done his best as a parent despite that. I felt old resentment melt away. My next few lines focused on forgiving the little girl I had called my mom. Again, as I owned my judgements and saw my mother with compassion, I felt more old resentment dissolve. So far, so good. Still, the song did not feel complete. More importantly, I realized I was still “forgiving” from a consciousness of separation, as though mom and dad were separate from me and I had made them “wrong”.

Practically overnight, my upper and lower gums suddenly became sore and began to bleed. I texted one of my consciousness coaches for a body signal translation. She asked what I had been doing when the bleeding started. I shared that I was writing a song on forgiveness, and I had already forgiven my mom and dad. I couldn’t imagine what was left to forgive. She said, “Teeth and bones are your support, and mouth is expression. The inside of your mouth is as deeply intimate as you can get around full self-expression. Bleeding is losing life force. Is there more resentment that is taking your life force? Is there anyone else you require forgiving? Is there anyone else you hold resentment toward for not supporting you?” I realized suddenly that I had not completely forgiven myself. I also had not owned my resentment as self-created. I had projected my own self-hatred outward as parental blame. I required fully forgiving myself for judging and for failing to support myself.  With the lyrics to the next verse, I forgave the child I was. I felt a tremendous wave of relief and a huge welling up of love and compassion for myself, my parents and their parents before them. As I cried happy tears, I was reminded of one of my favorite Rumi quotes, “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”

In her book The Human Energy Field, Cathy Chapman notes, “Forgiveness is simply a letting go…of those energies you have created within you that separate you from love.” At the highest levels of consciousness, separation dissolves. Love flows, embracing life in all its forms, regardless of male or female, parent or child. In the EVEolution retreat we had talked a lot about divine union as a new way of seeing. As the bridge of my Forgiveness song took shape, I got a glimmer of what that meant. I could see my parents new. I understood I was an embodiment of my father’s and mother’s love. They were joined in me. I recognized the legacy of love that had birthed us all. I felt a profound sense of joy and gratitude that there was nothing to forgive. As I finished the song my gums healed.   

Lyrics: Forgiveness

CHORUS:   I’m willing to forgive, willingly forgive, those who came before me, and gifted me with life.

   I wrap us all in love; wrap us all in light.

     I’m willing to forgive again and again…willingly forgive.  Amen

Verse 1:   When I was a child, all I wished to be, was loved for who and what I was unconditionally.

                      I’m sure my mom and dad--when they were children too--dreamed of being loved like that.

                      It wasn’t what they knew.

                                      Now that I am older, I’ve come to understand, 

                                      We’re all born to shine a light in Love’s master plan,

                                      And though we’re all connected on our journeys home, 

                                      Each of us is given a birthright of our own. 

CHORUS:   So I’m willing to forgive, willingly forgive. I author my own life, beyond the wrong or right. 

      Beyond the good or bad, restored in love and light,

      I’m willing to forgive again and again…willingly forgive. Amen

   Verse 2:   Who am I to blame the boy who grew to be my dad? 

                    With all his strengths and weaknesses, he gave me what he had. 

                    Who am I to blame the little girl I called my mom?

                    Both of them still live in me and shape the me I am.

                                      Now that I am older I’ve come to realize, 

                                      All our wounds look different, when seen through clearer eyes.

                                      We’re butterflies in spirit, each destined to fly,

                                      Precious beyond measure, each moment of our lives. 

     Verse 3:  Who am I to blame the child that I was, 

                    Trying to survive, while born for light and love?

                    Clinging to the blame, shame, rage and fear

                    Only feeds a story I’ve lived too many years.

                                     I soothe my tender me and make this solemn vow,

                                     To thank and bless in me, the love I give us now, 

                                     The past is just a pattern that no longer serves, 

As I claim the vision of love we all deserve.

CHORUS:  I willingly forgive, gratefully forgive. Judgement has no part in what matters to my heart. 

     I’ve suffered long enough, holding back my love. 

     I’m willing to forgive again and again, and again and again...willingly forgive. Amen

Bridge:     I AM MY FATHER’S LOVE.     I AM MY MOTHER’S LOVE.

I AM THEIR LOVE IN ME.       GOD’S LOVE IS ALL I SEE.

I SEE MY FATHER NEW.         I SEE MY MOTHER NEW.

Within this heart of me, I find peace. 

Verse 4:  What seemed hard to bear, has now become my prayer,

    For healing and forgiveness for people everywhere--

    Joined within our hearts in union that’s divine,

    Healing generations in body soul and mind. 

                                     As I love resentment and heal my wounds of hate, 

                                     Love raises me like the hosts of heaven’s gates. 

                                     Father, I forgive them, they know not what they’ve done.

                                     Loving comes full circle as victory is won.

CHORUS:  And I willingly forgive, gratefully forgive, reclaiming my right to love and live.

     All who came before and gifted me with life, 

     I willingly forgive, again and again, and again and again…

     Willingly forgive, 

Gratefully forgive, 

Joyfully forgive.  

Amen.  

© 2019 Ann S. Bugh